Edward Snowden Conspiracy Theories

The essence of a conspiracy is the absence of evidence. We see a couple dots, but have no knowledge as to their relative locations, or how big the space is that they are occupying. This allows us to draw lines that most likely are not there. In attempt to make light of the veil of secrecy surrounding this whole ordeal with Snowden and the NSA, here are some conspiracy theories that may or may not be true. You decide. 

President Obama walks into the central control station at the NSA.

Obama: (to his security detail) Hang here at the door guys, I'm just gonna drop in for a second.
**Slips over to an unoccupied terminal**
**Pulls a thumb drive out from his sleeve**
**Puts on a top secret NSA bluetooth that transcribes his thoughts**
O: "Ed, can you hear me?"
Snowden: "Loud and clear Mr. President. Hey who do you think is going to play me in the movie? I think we should say I was being shot at during this part. We need to make the audience really feel the story from my perspective."
O: "Shut up, switch to port..."
S: "Way ahead of you bro."
O: "So how do I..."
S: "Already did it for you. See? Told ya I knew what I was doing. Now stick the flash drive in. I think Matt Damon should play me. I've got his cheekbones. And -"
O: "Ed."
S: "Yes Mr. President?"
O: "Shut the hell up...OK, You should have the files. Now send these to a reputable journalist and run like hell! You've seen what we do to whistleblowers. And that's just the Justice Department. What do you think the people who watch your every move every day can and will do? Hell, I don't even know what goes on in the NSA. It might as well be Mordor. I've been having meetings with General Keith Alexander for 5 years and I still have never seen his face or heard him speak. He just sends in a robot that displays a hologram of Emperor Palpatine and briefs me in Jessica Biel's voice. It's really creepy but you get used to it. There are even rumors that Dick Cheney works here as their "enforcer," whatever that means. But knowing Cheney, you don't want to find out. My suggestion to you is to leave the country, but don't do something stupid and go to one of our frenemies like China or Russia. They'll just copy all our shit then kick you out the door. Run to Ecuador or some other country that hates us because of the Drug War."
S: "Ed Norton."
O: "What?" 
S: "I want Ed Norton to play me. He's --"
O: "Did you hear what I said?"
S: "Yes, go look for the next great actor in Russia or China to play me in the movie of me defeating the surveillance state. Just booked a flight to Hong Kong, peace out bro. Thanks for doing this for me."
O: "No, Ed....ED! Shit."

Glenn Greenwald walks into the Oval Office. 

**Obama swivels around, stroking a cat that looks like David Gregory**

Greenwald: "Mr. President, thank you for taking the time to speak with me."

Obama: "Sit down Mr. Greenwald."

G: "I came here to speak with you about Edward Snowden."

O: "I'm listening."

G: "You see, he's a leaker, not a traitor. He --"

O: "So flying to Hong Kong and then to Moscow with 4 hard drives full of top secret information about the pillars of our national security apparatus that definitely weren't stolen or copied isn't treason?"

G: "No, because what you're doing is illegal."

O: "...fair enough. But what Snowden did is pretty shitty. Plus have you heard that guy? He's a sociopath, and trust me, I would know. We're both right on this. And don't fight me. I'm the only constitutional scholar here. Now, I must challenge one of your earlier points. Ed isn't the reason you're here, is he? 

G: "Well, actually --"

O: "This crusade that you're on. Against secrecy. You, Wikileaks, Daniel Ellsberg, and all the others. We know everything about your operation. We also know that you are aware of the real reason behind the NSA's existence."
G: "To aggregate as much data as possible on everyone in the world."
O: "Yes...Mr. Greenwald, there is one more step to bring this argument to its logical conclusion. Why are we aggregating all of this data? To what ends will this take us? Stop avoiding the question when I know you have the answer, Mr. Anderson..."

**Obama calmly puts on his sunglasses**

"Can you hear me now?"

Obama: "YES!! YES!! OH MY GOD YES!! It's complete! Yes, yes we finally can hear you."
**Clapping in the background**
Can You Hear Me Now Guy: "Thank God, I've been wandering in the middle of nowhere for 8 fucking years saying the same stupid phrase over and over again. This clearly isn't a commercial, but I don't care anymore. Do what you want. Are we done here? Can I go home? I miss my family."
O: "Not until your boss says it's OK."
**Motions to his Secret Security to untie and ungag Verizon's CEO.** 
**AT&T's Chairman yelps as one of the agents steps on his stomach.** 
**Obama hands the phone to the CEO as he stares him down**
O: "Don't do anything stupid."
VZ CEO: (into the phone) "Yes. It's complete. You...can...go. help. me."
**Click**
CYHMNG: "Dad...DAD!!!"
**3 years of intense computer programming, plastic surgery, and identity changes**
**General Keith Alexander's drone flies into the Oval Office and places a file marked "TOP SECRET: URGENT" on Obama's desk**
O: "Who the hell is Edward Snowden?" 

Somewhere deep beneath the Earth's crust

Dick Cheney: "Let this emergency meeting of the Illuminati commence. What's the status on our asset? Snowden, right?"
Beyonce: "AWOL. He's refusing to leave the airport lounge and babbling nonstop about creative license, Ed Norton, and Matt Damon."
Tupac Shakur: "Does he have what we need?"
Cheney: "Yes, my guy at the NSA said he swiped everything."
Clayton Bigsby: "So that means we win right?"
Cheney: "It's inevitable. The NSA was the world's last best shot at dismantling our operation. Now it's just a matter of time before we establish the New World Order." 
Bigsby: "Thank the Lord! We should build a statue for Ed in New D.C. Put it up front and center so everyone can see the sun shine off his beautiful white skin!"
**Tupac stands up and shoots Bigsby 6 times, then sits back down**
Hulk Hogan: "Now what did you do that for?"
Tupac: "He was an asshole and we didn't need him anymore."
Hogan: "Fair enough brother, so what comes next?" 
The Lonely Island: "Fart jokes, yo."
Cheney: "I still don't understand why you pricks are here." 
Michelle Bachmann: "Because I said so, Dick."
**A chill falls over the room as Bachmann strolls in**
**She grips the back of Cheney's neck and glares at the rest of the table**
Cheney: "Yes ma'am."
Bachmann: "If you were as smart as me you could see how vital irony is to this entire operation, hell, it's our cover. If people think you're crazy, you can get away with anything you want because they just leave you alone! Why do you think I married a man who wanted to hang out with other gay men all day? Hell, we financed the campaign solely to draw attention to it!"
TLI: "YOLO, yo."
Bachmann: "We get it."
TLI: "But you see, what we mean is--"
**A loud explosion is heard in the background, Bachmann rolls her eyes and turns around**
Bachmann: "What did we say about your suit and cocaine Rob?"
Robert Downey Jr: "It's not coke, Bryan Cranston came over and--"
Bachmann: "I don't care. Anyone have an update on Ed?"
Beyonce: "He's been drunk on vodka tonics for 8 straight days and won't give us the hard drives until we put it in writing that he gets creative license to the movie for this operation."
Bachmann: "Rob, sober up and hop back in your suit. We don't need Ed anymore."
Cheney: "What??? Think of how much we invested in that kid!"
Bachmann: "You fools can't see the forest for the trees. I cannot wait for the day that I don't need you anymore."
**Calls someone and starts speaking in Chinese**
Bachmann: "Done. We've got the files. You bitches are pathetic."