Moontopia

Newt Gingrich is one of my favorite politicians. Not because I like him or agree with his political views (the nicest thing I can bring myself to say about him is that he is a self-aggrandizing dick, and even that seems too gentle) but because his mouth tends to get him in trouble and I can relate to that. Earlier this week, Gingrich let his mouth get a little too far off the leash in his attempt to pander to a Florida crowd that takes pride in its NASA heritage.

Moon colonies? Are you kidding me Newt? Two words come to mind about your proposal:

HELL YES

Who in their right mind wouldn't want to live on the moon? What, you'd rather live out the rest of your days on this God-forsaken rock watching reality television? Give me a break. This is a badass idea and I would like to toss my hat into the ring to not only be a citizen of Moontopia, but to become its first President. Below are several proposals that I will complete by the end of my THIRD term as President of Moontopia (two terms? Suck it Newt, you're promising moon colonies for God's sake. Be a man and go all in on ideas you're incapable of completing).

Secede from the United States

Thanks for getting us up to the moon guys, but we'll take it from here. Besides, we don't want you to steal Moontopia's tax dollars to pay down your debt that you incurred by starting unnecessary wars and giving tax cuts to billionaires. Us moon dwellers are much more responsible with our money than you yahoos down here on Earth.

Newt Gingrich is banned from ever visiting

Newt, I love the idea but we actually want to enjoy ourselves in Moontopia. Besides, you have to stay down here and teach future Republican Presidential candidates how to properly race bait voters. 

Affordable health care for all citizens

Because the mark of a civil society is one that ensures its citizens will never have to choose between food and medicine. 

Let citizens vote on where their tax dollars are spent

Moontopia does not need a group of 535 corrupt assholes figuring out how to waste taxpayer dollars because Moontopia's citizens will be smart enough to know where to invest their money. 

Excavate the Autobot ship from the dark side of the moon 

This would be an expensive and arduous project but the benefits far outweigh the costs. We could reverse-engineer the technology and create new advancements in healthcare, infrastructure, and any other multitude of industries...wait, what? That was a movie? No way. I believe that Newt Gingrich can get us to the moon which means that I am willing to believe anything. And I believe that there is an alien spaceship that crash landed on the moon and has been sitting there untouched since the 1960's. Let's go get it.

Free education from preschool through college

Because when a society refuses to give its citizens proper education, some people will actually believe that guys like this can be President. Moontopia deserves better.

Build a football stadium to house Moontopia's NFL team

Damn straight Moontopia will have its own football team. Think of the incredible home field advantage we would have. Plus we would have a leg up in recruiting free agents, because as we have already established, who the hell doesn't want to live on the moon? Although I guess we would be the NFL's quietest fans considering that whole no sound in space thing. Oh well, we will find other methods to intimidate the visiting team; we moon people take pride in our sagacious nature. 

Colonize Mars

Taking over small plots of land is for small thinkers like Napoleon, Alexander the Great, and Genghis Khan. Taking over the solar system and eventually the Milky Way galaxy is how we think up on Moontopia. And who knows, maybe by the end of my tenth term we will have conquered the entire universe.