Alternatives to Congress

With the failure of the super committee to achieve the $1.2 trillion in cuts that was required of them (shocking), Americans' already all time low confidence in Congress is sure to drop even further. The likelihood of any sort of compromise manifesting within the corrupt halls of Congress is about the same as Rush Limbaugh's chances of winning the Tour de France. Our government has failed us yet again and they really don't mind admitting it. The Republicans' irrational phobia of tax increases for the rich has given the Democrats no reason to cut their sacred cow that is bankrupting the country: Medicare (God forbid they cut something from this program; they'd have nothing else to run on). Since we all seem to agree that these bastards are worthless, here are five alternatives to the current methods of the Legislative Branch.

Congressional Deathmatch

This might not be the most effective or civilized method of solving our conflicts but it certainly would be the most entertaining. Plus who wouldn't want to see Eric Cantor get decked by a two by four filled with nails? See? Fun for everyone! Well...except for our Congressmen and women. But we've been over this: fuck them.

The Greek Parliament
I know this seems ludicrous since the Greeks are basically the inverse of fiscal prudence but hear me out. The Greeks are on their way to default; if our Congressmen cannot agree on anything, we will inevitably head towards default as well. So if the final outcome is the same, why bother enlisting the services of the Greek government? Because under the Greeks, apparently everyone gets Porches.Under our system, 99% of the country gets a poke in the eye. Porche > eye gouging.

Internet Cats

They're adorable and they seem to drive about 30% of the traffic on the internet (with porn making up the other 70%). What can I say? They get people's attention. I say we kick all the assholes out of the House and Senate, replace them with cats, and then produce a bunch of Congressional posters that say things like "I can haz payroll tax holiday?" and "Pwease sirs, ewiminate agwiculture subsidies, Congwessional cat says so." I can't guarantee the effectiveness of this strategy but interest in the day to day activities of Congress will certainly be at an all time high under our new feline overlords.

The Kids from South Park

There may be no other group of Americans more versed in crisis management than Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny. The adults in their town seem to have a collective IQ equivalent to our members in congress. These kids have had to bail their town out of numerous situations that had catastrophic consequences for failure. They're the perfect unit for our problems today; kind of like the A-Team for incompetence. Plus, wouldn't it be entertaining to see Cartman fidget for an hour behind President Obama during the State of the Union? It's certainly an upgrade over watching John Boehner fail to try and hide his contempt for the President.

Internet Voting

Ok so maybe the previous four solutions are not so serious; this one is half-serious.The whole point of appointing representatives in Washington is for them to speak for us since we do not have direct access to bills or a method to vote on legislation. Well, the internet has fixed that problem. Wanna read the controversial SOPA Act? Here it is. 

All you would need to do is head to a government website where you log in using your social security number and vote on legislation (one vote per citizen). This method would require the government to ensure that every citizen have access to the internet and would entail a large investment in infrastructure. But when you factor in that we will no longer be paying the crooks in Congress to give our tax dollars to lobbyists and oil companies, I think it is a net gain for the population. Obviously this plan is not without its flaws (how do new bills get drawn up?) but at this point, it feels like it would be an upgrade over the status quo in our Congress: legalized bribery.