A Quarter Century of Music

If you only knew me by reading my blog you would probably think that I am a degenerate gambler with a politics problem (to that I would say...well...um...let's just move on...). There are actually other activities I enjoy discussing and partaking in other than betting on every sanctioned sport on the planet (you guys just see college football because that's the only one I feel confident enough to put up. You should see my NBA bets, they're so funny that they could probably open for Daniel Tosh). I celebrated my 25th birthday on Tuesday. Since 25 is a nice round number and everyone loves lists of anything (it's the only thing keeping Bleacher Report alive), I decided to come up with a list of the 25 best songs of the past quarter century because of the symmetry of the concept and the fact that it allows me to be wildly subjective. Vamos!

Straight outta Compton by Nina Gordon

Best Line: The whole damn song

I really wanted to get this on the top 25 but there were too many real songs I needed to fit in. Still, I believe that anyone with a sense of humor needs to hear this song. Enjoy, now on to the top 25...

25. I'm on a Boat by The Lonely Island

Best Line: I'm ridin' on a dolphin, doin' flips and shit, this dolphin's splashing, gettin' errybody all wet, but this ain't Sea World, this is real as it gets, I'm on a boat mother fucker don't you ever forget
Riding dolphins? Banging mermaids? I wanna be on a boat...

24. Fel del Av Garden by Movits

Best Line: Um...the first one?
If you have a funky beat and a catchy tune, it doesn't really matter what the lyrics are, right Ke$ha?

23. Suck My Kiss by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Best Line: Meh, you don't listen to this song for the lyrics

This is another song that makes me feel old. I remember listening to this in the car when my parents drove me to middle school. Wow let's move on.

22. Changes by Tupac

Best Line: You gotta operate the easy way, "I made a G today," but you made it in a sleazy way, sellin crack to the kids, "I gotta get paid," well hey, that's the way it is. 

Brutally honest, insanely talented, and a very good actor. It's a tragedy that Tupac was taken from us so early. Can you imagine how different the entertainment industry would be if he were alive today? Maybe Kanye would have stuck with his socially conscious image instead of trying to be the next Michael Jackson (even though Justin Timberlake wrapped that discussion up about 10 seconds after Dick in a Box came out). 

21. Guerilla Radio by Rage Against the Machine

Best Line: Was it (the vote) cast for the mass who burn and toil? Or for the vultures who thirst for blood and oil? Yes a spectacle, monopolized, they hold the reins, stole your eyes, all the fistagons, the bullets and bombs, who stuff the banks and staff the party ranks, more for Gore or the son of a drug lord, none of the above, fuck it, cut the chord

This was considered radical thought when I was in high school. Now it seems to be a majority opinion. 

20. Mo Money Mo Problems by Biggie (featuring Ma$e and Puff Daddy)

Best Line: I got to know, I got to go, got the flow down phizat, platinum plus, like thizat, dangerous on trizack, leave your ass kizzack

Thank you Biggie for giving an entire generation of white suburban boys lingo to make them feel a little less white. 

19. Here We Go by Dispatch

Best Line: So I sit here on a barstool lookin at the sky, got a buck and a quarter and a bucket full of rye, don't step out of line you'll get time in the brig, don't yield to the mighty you got your own dirt to dig

Fair warning, you'll see these guys again. If I could only live with 1 bands discography, it's Dispatch.

18. Come As You Are by Nirvana

Best Line: Come, as you are, as you were, as I want you to be. As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy, take your time, hurry up, choice is yours, don't be late, take a rest, as a friend, as an old memory

I've always felt that Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway shared the same genius. They were able to express the staggering complexities in every day life while utilizing as little words as possible. 

17. Going Through Changes by Eminem

Best Line: I sit alone in my home theater, watchin' the same damn DVD, of the first tour, the last tour, he was still alive, and it hurt sore, fast forward, sleepin' pills'll make me feel alright, and if I'm still awake in the middle of the night, I just take a couple more, yeah you're mother fuckin' right, I ain't slowin' down for no one, I am almost homeward bound, almost in a coma, yeah homie come on, dole 'em out. Daddy! don't you die on me. Daddy! better hold your ground, fuck, don't I know the sound of that voice, yeah baby hold me down.

His whole album (Recovery) is a fascinating venture through Eminem's lowest moments where he expresses an incredible amount of self-awareness and honesty. If you're ever feeling shitty about yourself, this will help you get off the mat. 

16. The Good Life by Weezer

Best Line: And I don't wanna be an old man anymore, it's been a year or two since I've been out on the floor, shaking booty, making sweet love all the night, it's time I got back to the good life

Just a groovy song. I'd recommend the whole album (Pinkerton) to those who like it.

15. Picture Me Rollin' by Tupac

Best Line: My homes is inmates, and most of them dead grown, full grown, finally a man, just schemin' on ways to put some green inside the palms of my empty hands, just picture me rollin'.

This line pretty much sums up Tupac's overall message.

14. Do the Evolution by Pearl Jam

Best Line: I am ahead, I am advanced, I am the first mammal to make plans, yeah, I crawled the earth, but now I'm higher, 2010 watch it go to fire, it's evolution baby

I think those are the correct lyrics, but I'm not sure anyone has ever actually understood Eddie Vedder when he speaks. Credit has to be given to him though, considering he missed predicting the Arab Awakening (I'm done calling it Arab Spring, it's gonna take decades to have this stuff sort itself out) and Occupy Wall Street by just one year.

13. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta by Ghetto Boys

Best Line: (in a Bill Clinton voice) to all you Republicans, that helped me to win, I'd sincerely like to thank ya, cuz now I've got the world swingin' from my nuts, and damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Any song where Bill Clinton raps is a good song in my book.

12. Jesus Walks by Kanye West

Best Line: They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus, that means guns sex lies, video tapes, but if I talk about God my record won't get played. Huh? Well let this take away from my spins, which will probably take away from my ends, then I hope this take away from my sin and bring the day that I'm dreamin' 'bout, next time I'm in the club, everybody singin' out. Jesus Walks!

Remember when he was good??? What the hell happened Kanye? Where did this guy go?

11. What More Can I Say by Jay-Z

Best Line: You already know what I'm about, flying birds down south, moving wet off the step, purple rain in the drought, stuntin' on hoes, brushing off my shirt, but ain't nothin' on my clothes, 'cept my chain, my name, young H-O, pitch the Yea faithful

No one does self promotion like Jay-Z. Pop this song in your iPod and walk around and try not to strut, I dare you. 

10. Minority by Green Day

Best Line: one light, one mind, flashing in the dark, blinded by the silence of a thousand broken hearts, for cryin' out loud, she screamed unto me, a free for all, fuck em all, you are your own sight

This was written during the Clinton era but it easily could have come out yesterday. It's amazing how prescient some of these 90's bands have turned out to be.

9. I Just Had Sex by The Lonely Island

Best Line: Oh hey, didn't see you there, guess what I just did. Had sex, undressed, saw her boobies and the rest. Was sure nice of her to let you do that thing. Nice of any girl ever. Now sing.

I keep telling you guys that under all this political anger, I'm really just a giant goofball. Two Lonely Island songs as the 25 best songs of my lifetime? Absofuckinloutely. 

8. What's My Age Again by Blink 182

Best Line: Then later on, on the drive home, I called her mom, from a pay phone, I said I was the cops, and your husband's in jail, the state looks down on sodomy. And that's about the time that bitch hung up on me

Yet another song that makes me feel old. The first concert I ever went to was a Blink 182, Green Day, and Offspring concert at Fiddlers Green in Denver in 1998. Ugh. Let's just move on before I have to explain to people who Blink 182 is (like my 16 year old sister).

7. Pink Triangle by Weezer

Best Line: If everyone's a little queer, oh can't she be a little straight? I'm dumb, she's a lesbian, I thought I had found the one, we were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good

This song is about him falling in love with a lesbian. Who hasn't at some point in their lives?

6. Basketcase by Green Day

Best Line: I went to a shrink, to analyze my dreams, she says it's lack of sex that's bringing me down, I went to a whore, who said my life's a bore, so quit my whining cuz it's bringing her down

No one does organized chaos better than Green Day, I had to stop myself from putting half their discography on this list. 

5. Crazy Game of Poker by O.A.R.

Best Line: 20 throw down in my fist of rage and the man to my left has folded down, well johnny doubled up with a royal flush, I had three jacks, and a pair of nines. My mind is turning, just two shots more there's not much left to play

While looking for this video, I had a similar experience to the boys in South Park when they went to see the new Indiana Jones movie. O.A.R. has definitely strayed from their roots and has turned one of my favorite songs of all time into some easy listening bullshit in their newer performances. It's OK for you guys to branch out, just leave the classics alone please.

4. Cinderella Man by Eminem

Best Line: I catch a flow and get goin', no remorse I'm showin', they slowin' for no one, knowin' there is nothin' you can do about it, zeroin' on the target like a marksman, the target is you. I shut ya lane down, took ya spot, parked in it too. Watchin' it flow, lighter fluid, saliva what can ya do? Go get ya crew to hype ya up, stand behind you like Woo!

This song is Shady's way of saying "I'm back, I'm better, and you all are fucked."

3. Forgot About Dre by Dr. Dre (featuring Eminem)

Best Line: You better bow down on both knees, who you think taught you to smoke trees? Who do you think brought you the o'G's? Eazy-E's, Ice Cube's, and D.O.C.'s? and Snoop D-O double G's, and a group that said mothafuck the po-lice. Gave you a tape full of dope beats to bump when ya stroll through in your hood, and when your album sales wasn't doin' too good, who's the doc that they told ya to go see?

Not a bad resume eh?

2. Cult of Personality by Living Colour

Best Line: You gave me fortune, you gave me fame, you gave me power in your God's name. I'm every person, you need to be, Oh! I'm the cult of personality

The fact that CM Punk uses this as his entrance song only strengthens its case as the best song of the last quarter century. Sadly, it falls just short of my #1 song which I cannot fathom ever being replaced.

1. Bang Bang by Dispatch

Best Line: I took out the message and put the bottle down, inside was the antidote to the spell, and I read it to the man cuz he couldn't read so well, said don't worry about a thing, you know your path is true, just ease your mind, have a banana or two

The ultimate chill song. It's impossible to listen to this and not feel relaxed. Well, that is my incredibly subjective take on the best songs of the last 25 years. I am willing to address any concerns that you may have, but I'm sure you agree with me completely right?